Medicine is consuming, guys. I have reached the stage where I stopped advising young girls/guys to major in medicine because it's awesome blah blah.
You know this is a very depressing post, I advise you not to continue reading if you're in a bad psychological condition. All I could think of lately, is what if! What if I chose a much easier major to study? What if I had more than what I have now? Would I be happier? More satisfied? Content? The truth is I can't find an answer. My feelings are fluctuating from an hour to another. I can't settle down and it's KILLING me. Literally!
We started this year off with the smaller rotations, i.e. lab, radio blah blah. And after the rains and stuff, we started the clinical course module. The glorified course that everyone promised me that I'll enjoy it to the max. First, I realized that I love starting with the bulkiest rotations and end up with the stupid ones, ending ophtha and ENT first felt bad, because I wanted to get done with the major stuff, al7amdellah though. Second, the medicine (باطنة) not medicine the (طب) is the worst thing anyone could ever study. Regardless of how they portray it awesomely in House and whatever other medical shows, it's just extremely depressing.
From an emotional point of view, having to see patients being depressed because they don't know what they're having feels like crap. Having to see elderlies are alone and in a bad condition *since it's not a private hospital*, those people who were once strong, and independent, and taking care of families, it's just a heartbreaker. Walking in the pediatric ward is even more heart breaking. And I only did that once, since pedia and OB part was removed from this rotation.
Call me weak, call me stupid for choosing medicine. I honestly believe that if I had the slightest idea about how I'd feel now, I'd probably won't choose it. I hate stress. Five years ago I'd be killing to be stressed, I believed, at that time, that I'm a workaholic, but it was circumstantial. When I reached what I wanted *I.e. being a med student* I became more lax about lots of things. Until one point, I failed pharma. I'm sure by now you know the whole story. And now reliving the stress again, feels horrible. I'm not enthusiastic about the future. I just said I hated medicine! How am I to be excited about anything that comes after it? Life has become so boring for me. I wanted to learn French, I wanted to dedicate a year or two to drawing and painting, I want (new wish) to learn how to play piano. I don't wanna start doing those things when I'm 40. I wanna do them now. And I hate that I either don't have the full support to it, or I'm in a constant bad mood or whatever.
You know how I feel now? Like there's a huge web of thoughts in my brain and I need to untangle them one by one but I'm too tired to do that.
Last request; medical students who still have enthusiasm, who are depression-free *even mildly*, please tell me what to do? And how do I get rid of these black thoughts?
Slmz sister.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry I think it's just a phase you going through - I've read somewhere that apparently most doctors go through a stage where they question whether they've chosen the right field. I've been through it a few times already - especially when I'm walking alone at 3am in the morning at the hospital and I'm like normal people are sleeping at this time, what the hell am I doing this for? (Everything seems much better in the morning tho!)
But it's true, my sister and I always say that studying medicine kinda takes away your youth and your whole life becomes defined by exams, assessments and stress, stress, stress! Think it gets better once you've qualified. I completed last year and so now I'm working and I have to admit the salary is a real motivation for my 'down days'
Just take each day as it goes and remember Allah never burdens you with something you can't bear:)
Thanks sister for the sweet comment. :)
ReplyDeletei think i will have to wait till i get the first salary of internship then :p, ha??
I really loved ur blog and amen to ur prayers :)
Ooooook slow down lool :P
ReplyDeleteI just started my clinical practice this semester(I live in Al Khobar)
and I dunno in what level are you now!!
so it might be a little different but patients are patients, all are suffering
when I started medicine I had that feeling when I first started dealing with patients
specially if I know that they will suffer in the future more than they do now or if they are young with a chronic disease
I didn't want that depression to take over
so I tried to convince my self that we are there to help them not only to learn
whenever you go to patients remember that they've been alone all night (most of them so they are bored) and probably didn't sleep and as soon as they wake up nurses are just coming in and out and medical student asking for history and examination
so when a patient allows me to take history or to examine him I tell him 'you know you are taking ajr for allowing me to learn''
and if they complain about their condition and how sick they are I tell them also that there is ajr and Allah can do anything doesn't matter what's your condition
it gives them hope and it'll make you feel good
I visit them every now and then, stay like 5 min with them whenever I can
and if you can see other patients that you don't know, ask how they are doing and if they need something o goolelahom kelma 7elwa, without asking for history or examination (ya3ni lellah) inshalla you'll have a good feeling believe me :)
some of the patients are friends with me now :P
remember that you are studying and practicing to help them in the future inshalla
sure what you are doing and dealing with is not easy at all but there will always be sick people
and you are fighting your self just to make them feel better and Allah chose you to this
so girl you are doing a great thing!! really
لا أعلم علماً بعد الحلال والحرام أنبل من الطب, الا أن أهل الكتاب غلبونا عليه." مماقاله الامام الشافعي- رحمه الله -
I think this is the pre-exam syndrome :P
it'll go away when you finish inshalla
Im speechless :)
ReplyDeleteIm thankful that im a member of a secret society of medstudents on blogger :p
im a 4th yr student (supposed to be 5th)
Studying in KAU - Jeddah
Thanks a lot for making my night Lujayn <3
I remember before applying for med school, I did some work experience at a few hospitals. One of the most hard-hitting and memorable memory I have is that of an old lady, late 60s / early 70s, who we (The surgeon, and I) went to see after surgery. She was sitting in her bedside chair, and when the surgeon walked in she kept on thanking. I remember vividly her pale and wrinkly skin. But the eyes, the gratitude that was oozing out of them inspired me the most.
ReplyDeleteThat was a really touching moment.
Yes medicine is hard work, yes there are depressing parts. I remember sitting in a room with a patient and the doctor while the doctor told the patient she had ovarian cancer. It was even more sad because her mother had it too.
Just pray, that one day you meet your old day, who makes you realise just why you chose to be a doctor. Just remember you are not superman and wont save everyone, but those that you do save, they'll be forever grateful.
Take care, stay smiling.
:)
thank you Nas for the sweet comment :)
ReplyDelete